Monday, January 2, 2012

Losing my mind

Ok. I don't know if this is "normal", but here goes.

I'm afraid I'm going to die.

There, I said it. I'm afraid I'm going to die! I have no illness or life threatening habits, I don't go looking for dangerous acts to prove I'm still alive; I have no reason to think this. But I do. Pretty much every week, I play some sort of scenario in my head where I end up dying. I don't want to die of course. This fear started after Corbin passed away and now I'm afraid I'm going to die too. 
It starts like when I'm driving down the road and maybe the car behind me is following too close. Then for some reason I imagine the two of us wrecking, I'm stuck in the car, an ambulance shows up with the jaws of life, then I die. Then there I am, driving 75 mph (normal speed here in WV by the way) down the road, crying my eyes out, imagining my own death. 

I just cry and cry knowing that my husband and Monkey would have to go on without me. And I don't know why I worry about myself. I do worry about Monkey, like if he sleeps for an abnormally long time, but I don't imagine him dying like I do myself.

The more I keep typing, the crazier I feel. I'm losing my mind.

Am I the only one? Please say no...


  1. Your not the only one that feels that way girl !!! You have some much life ahead of you!! If you need to talk You know how to find me... Luv ya girlie
    Amanda Neice

  2. You need to be a spokeswoman!!! That I your calling!!! To help other mothers that have been there what you have been through
    Amanda Neice

  3. No way, you are NOT the only one! Now that we are back in Portland, I have to cross a bridge to get to work and back home every day. Every single time I cross the bridge, I can see myself getting hit by another car and flying off the side into the river to drown...or sliding off the side of a road into the deep ravines of the West Hills...or just getting smushed by a semi on the interstate. Every. Single. Day. For me, it started when I had my Monkey, and he's nearly 7. Many of my dear friends have shared similar experiences with me.

    I don't think it's crazy, sweetheart. I think it's our brains trying to wrap our minds around our own mortality, as well as this crazy-strong love that we have for our husbands and child(dren). I also think it's a woman-specific issue - my husband thinks it's a little nuts ;-)

  4. I definitely do this all the time! It freaks me out! The thoughts are so vivid, and then the thoughts of my family, and especially Rory, going on without me absolutely frighten the hell out of me. Who would tell Rory about me? Who can describe to her exactly how much I love her? Who trully knows me well enough to teach her what I was all about? Who would take care of her? These thoughts happen often and are typically totally irrational. I plan in my head exactly how I would handle the situation to keep from dying. You're NOT crazy!!! Your a mother and a wife. You have a LOT of responsibility as a mother and a wife. That in itself is terrifying, and it puts your brain into what-if mode. It's either totally normal or A LOT of us are crazy.

  5. Thank you all so much. <3
    MakeItHappenMama: Oh God forbid I go over a tall bridge! There is one on the way to Beckley that crosses a huge mountain ravine and I ALWAYS imagine my car careening off the side of the bridge and out into oblivion. Not a fun scenario.
    Rory's Mommy: Thank God I'm not the only one! Your last sentence made me giggle :)

  6. I have daydreamed more about death since Carleigh died. I prolly wouldn't mind dying at all except I don't want to leave my girls here on this earth without me.

    And thank you for your comment that you left. I understand not knowing what to say to another babyloss mom. While we do know what can be helpful and what isn't sometimes the words still don't come. I'm sorry you don't have more tangible things to remember Corbin by. I think that we wouldn't have what we have if we hadn't known ahead of time that she would die. We had time to plan what we wanted and I'm so grateful for that time.