Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Say it, then let it go

I'm writing this here because it's highly improbable that someone will read it. If you are reading this, please don't think less of me. I have struggled with these feelings for quite some time now and I usually vent and complain to my husband to let go of these feelings, but then sometimes...I just have to say it "out loud" to the world.

I used to be so open and honest on my blog. I used to tell the world exactly how I felt no matter how scary or raw or uncomfortable it may have been. I wasn't afraid because I knew that other people were feeling the same way and I want them to know they aren't alone. You should never feel alone. No matter what you are going through, you should always feel comfort in the fact that you are not the only person in the entire world is who going through "it". Whatever "IT" is, you are not the only one! That has always been important to me but somewhere along the way I told myself that it was NOT okay to share what I was feeling. That I should never say it out loud because it is selfish and petty I should be thankful instead of feeling mad, hurt, and extremely frustrated.

The guilt is what stops me. I have experienced some pretty intense guilt and this ranks up there pretty high. Guilt is a very powerful emotion but it is time to just SAY IT.

I just want to give up.

Is ANYONE listening?

Does ANYONE care?

What's the point anymore!?!?

I HATE this sometimes. I despise asking for money and fundraisers. I hate doing them, I feel like I'm always asking for help and money and that people are just sick of hearing me talk. I feel like no one cares anymore. Corbin has been gone for almost 5 years now and nobody wants to hear about it anymore. Just stop talking about it already. He's gone, just move on and quit bugging me for money for some organization I have never heard of that does things I don't understand and talks about stuff I have never heard of.

I FEEL like people ignore my posts. All of them. There is no attention anymore. At all.

Yes, there are some people. VERY VERY VERY few people who I KNOW care because they have taken the time, on more than one occasion to support my fundraisers, share my posts, and ask if I need any help. I can name them on one hand.

THAT is exactly why I never complain. THAT is why I keep my mouth shut even though I am SCREEEEEAAAAAMING inside for people to just pay attention for a minute and FOR GOD'S SAKE HELP ME. I am BEGGING YOU. I can't express it anymore strongly then PLEASE. Please. Please. Please.
I just want one or two people to say "hey, I took off work a couple hours early to come help you, I know you need it!". But then the viscous guilt trip cycle begins. I want someone to care enough to take time out of their day BUT I don't want anyone to go out of their way to help. I DON'T want to be a burden at all. I don't want you to have to spend money or miss an appointment or a party for me.

I just want someone to WANT to take the time to help. 

It doesn't make any sense. I know. 

That's why I never, ever say anything.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate the help that has been offered to me. I truly do appreciate it. 

But you have no idea how hard it is. How much MONEY it takes to run a nonprofit. And I can't afford to fund my own Fund!! How funny is that? I need help but I don't want help. Look at me, I'm a mess.

Can someone just donate $10,000 so I can stop worrying about it? Please?! That's chump change to some people, even where I live. 

Did you know that I'm happy if 5 people show up to one of my events? 
Did you know that one of my recent fundraisers LOST money because only 4 people paid?
Did you know that I spent 12 hours handing out fliers for a fundraiser that NO ONE CAME TO?!

It hurts. It hurts SO MUCH. I just cry and cry and scream and get SO MAD. I just want to scream at people "YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!". 

But I can't.

That would be rude. 

I can't do that. What kind of person am I?

So I keep quiet. And I blog when it gets too much to bear.

So please, if you are reading this, please realize that I just have to say these things to let them go. 

Acknowledge the emotion, then let it go.