Monday, January 9, 2012

Forcing it

This post is different. In this post I want to apologize.

I'm sorry I haven't been the greatest friend. I know it's happening, I know every day I leave my phone off longer and longer, I know I don't answer calls and I know I don't text or call to check up.
I'm sorry.

I know some will tell me I have nothing to apologize for but I really do need to. I want to be there for you. I want to be interested and involved. I want to be someone you can come to for dating advice or wedding tips. I want to be there when your husband has a cancer scare. I want to be there when you are feeling alone and scared because you're a single mom of two. I want to be there when you find out you have an illness. I want to be there when you are planning on a new baby. I want to be there for you!

Sometimes I just can't. 
I find myself leaving my phone off for hours and hours just so I don't have to talk. I just want to be able to ignore the outside world and live for a moment in my own little bubble. I don't know why. I don't know why I avoid people and conversations. I guess I'm scared that I won't be my best. I don't want to be sorta there, or sorta interested. I want to be there fully and wholeheartedly so that you know I care. I don't want to come across like I'm forcing it, like I have to do sometimes, because I don't mean to be that way. I don't mean to be uninterested or uncaring. I am interested and I do care. I do. 
Sometimes though, the depression takes over and it's hard for me to care about anything. The world's problems feels irrelevant and silly compared to what is always on my mind. My beautiful, precious baby. My dead baby. It's all encompassing and it blocks out everything else. I cannot focus on other things that may come my way and I'm sorry. 
So that's why I leave my phone off, so I don't have to force sounding happy or interested or worried or excited.
I don't want to force it.
I hate that feeling because I'm not that kind of person. I'm not the kind that pretends to be interested in your life because I'm really only worried about myself. I am caring and loving but sometimes it's so hard to even muster the strength to get out of bed. It's so hard to pretend to be happy. It brings me down even more when I can't get excited about someone's new baby or someone's engagement. I get depressed by other people's happiness. 

There, I said it.

It is depressing to watch how happy other people are. I really get depressed hearing of someone who is expecting a baby. I can easily type out: "I'm so excited for you!!" but that's not really how I feel. I feel sad. And mad. And angry. And pessimistic. 

"I hope you're baby's healthy!" 

That's all I can think of. I hope your baby is normal and healthy and full term and perfect in every way. I really do.
But I'm bitter. 
I had a sick baby and you didn't. WHY? Why did I have the sick baby that suffered for three months only to die? Why did I have to sit by his bedside through 81 days of rounds and surgeries and xrays and needles? So many needles. Have you every watched someone try to put an IV in a baby's groin? That soft spot where your leg meets your body? Turns out there is a giant vein running through there that is good for IVs.
I have. And it sucks. It's awful and terrible and so painful. 

I'm going to stop myself there because I'm getting off point. That right there is what runs through my head every time I see a new pregnant mom.

So I'm sorry. I'm trying to be there and be excited and interested. But sometimes I can't and I hope you understand.
It's not because I don't love you or that I don't care. It's because I cannot get the negativity out of my head and I don't want to spread it to other people. I don't want to be the depressing friend that can't stop crying.

So I leave my phone off. I leave it off till I can be truly happy and excited and supportive. I wait till I can be the best friend I can.