Saturday, December 31, 2011

Not just another day

I would love to say that tomorrow is just going to be like every other day.

I would love to say that moving into the new year doesn't sway me in any way.

But it isn't, and it does.

Moving into the new year means that 2011 is over. I can't say that my son died in May of this year. I can't say that it's been a couple months since he was born. In two months, Corbin would have been a year old. 
A year old. 

That scares me. Time is moving so fast. Too fast. 

Before I had kids, even before I was married, the new year was never a big thing for me. I've stayed up to watch the ball drop but it's always been kind of boring for me. In my college days it was just another excuse to stay out and party. It really never meant anything to me and was just another day.

But now it's not just another day. It's a milestone. A road mark along the road of time. Now it means to me that another year has passed since my son was born. Another year that I have to spend without him. I don't want to keep going, I want to stay in the one perfect day we had with Corbin. Before all the doctor's visits, before the ambulance and the emergency room, before all the pain and suffering. 
February 23rd, 2011. The one and only perfect day we had Corbin with us at home. How I ache to return to that day. That day will come again, way too soon, and I dread the emotions that will come racing back. I dread experiencing that day again without him. How I dread February. And look, now we're just two months away.

February isn't all bad. It is also the month my first son was born. February 21st. Some of you may not know, but Monkey and Peanut were born 364 days apart. Monkey on the 21st, and Peanut on the 20th of February. No, I did not plan it that way! 

2012 also brings good news! Indiana will start testing every single newborn for heart defects using pulse ox! Thanks to Cora's mom, Kristine. This is a very exciting, and very emotional time for her, if you could all keep her in your thoughts tomorrow as the testing begins. I'm sure we will be seeing, very soon, an article about a baby that will be saved, thanks to her efforts. 

2012 is bound to be a very exciting year. We will be introducing our WV pulse ox bill to the houses. I will be starting my new job working to spread awareness and education about newborn screening. Monkey will be turning two. But it will also be very painful. Another year without Corbin, and more holidays and birthdays we will spend without him.

2011 was a very hard year for this family, but we did meet and gain a lot of new friends that we can call family. We have found love and support from all over the world and we are so truly thankful. We would not have stayed strong without your support and kind messages. So I want to take the opportunity to thank you all. Thank you for being there. Thank you for caring. And most of all, thank you for not forgetting the Peanut. He is the reason we are all together and working to save lives. So let's toast 2011 to Corbin. To the Peanut and his determination and fighting spirit. 
We love you Peanut and will never forget you. We live the rest of our lives to honor you.

Happy New Year