White House bound!

Guess who's going to DC?

Guess who's going to the White House?

THIS girl!

I was nominated by the American Heart Association for a spot in this year's Community Leaders Briefing at the White House February 24th. Out of 120 spots open nationwide, and out of the ten nominations from our local office, the national office picked me! 

I will be attending a meeting about cardiovascular health, (maybe share my story), attend sessions with administration officials, get a tour of the East Wing, and a real White House lunch!

Can ya tell I'm excited? :D

I declined at first because I thought we would have to cover expenses but the AHA is covering my airfare, hotel, and food, so I jumped at the opportunity! The Hubby is tagging along too so this will be our first time alone together since our two year anniversary!

Time to get packing!

Corbin's Bill

BIG news!

Corbin's Bill gets introduced today! The bill has been written up, it has four sponsors, and now it will get introduced in the House of Delegates to be considered. This is a very exciting time! 

How a bill becomes law is a long and complicated process. I myself still do not understand the whole thing yet, but if you would like to learn more visit this page that explains how a bill becomes law in West Virginia. 

We want these politicians to know this bill is necessary, it is wanted, and it will save lives. So we are asking everyone who supports Corbin's Bill to sign up here to receive alerts and updates about the bill. When we send out an alert, it will update you on what has happened with the bill and that we need you to show your support by writing a letter or an email to politicians. There are certain times when showing our support is more important then others, it is then that we will need everyone to shower the politicians with letters and emails. That is why it important for everyone to sign up at yourthecure.org and stay connected!

Passing a bill can take months, or it can take years. The progress we have made so far has been really exciting and hopefully our success will carry this bill through quickly! 

Forcing it

This post is different. In this post I want to apologize.

I'm sorry I haven't been the greatest friend. I know it's happening, I know every day I leave my phone off longer and longer, I know I don't answer calls and I know I don't text or call to check up.

I'm sorry.

I know some will tell me I have nothing to apologize for but I really do need to. I want to be there for you. I want to be interested and involved. I want to be someone you can come to for dating advice or wedding tips. I want to be there when your husband has a cancer scare. I want to be there when you are feeling alone and scared because you're a single mom of two. I want to be there when you find out you have an illness. I want to be there when you are planning on a new baby. I want to be there for you!

Sometimes I just can't. 

I find myself leaving my phone off for hours and hours just so I don't have to talk. I just want to be able to ignore the outside world and live for a moment in my own little bubble. I don't know why. I don't know why I avoid people and conversations. I guess I'm scared that I won't be my best. I don't want to be sorta there, or sorta interested. I want to be there fully and wholeheartedly so that you know I care. I don't want to come across like I'm forcing it, like I have to do sometimes, because I don't mean to be that way. I don't mean to be uninterested or uncaring. I am interested and I do care. I do. 

Sometimes though, the depression takes over and it's hard for me to care about anything. The world's problems feels irrelevant and silly compared to what is always on my mind. My beautiful, precious baby. My dead baby. It's all encompassing and it blocks out everything else. I cannot focus on other things that may come my way and I'm sorry. 

So that's why I leave my phone off, so I don't have to force sounding happy or interested or worried or excited.

I don't want to force it.

I hate that feeling because I'm not that kind of person. I'm not the kind that pretends to be interested in your life because I'm really only worried about myself. I am caring and loving but sometimes it's so hard to even muster the strength to get out of bed. It's so hard to pretend to be happy. It brings me down even more when I can't get excited about someone's new baby or someone's engagement. I get depressed by other people's happiness. 

There, I said it.

It is depressing to watch how happy other people are. I really get depressed hearing of someone who is expecting a baby. I can easily type out: "I'm so excited for you!!" but that's not really how I feel. I feel sad. And mad. And angry. And pessimistic. 

"I hope you're baby's healthy!" 

That's all I can think of. I hope your baby is normal and healthy and full term and perfect in every way. I really do.

But I'm bitter. 

I had a sick baby and you didn't. WHY? Why did I have the sick baby that suffered for three months only to die? Why did I have to sit by his bedside through 81 days of rounds and surgeries and xrays and needles? So many needles. Have you every watched someone try to put an IV in a baby's groin? That soft spot where your leg meets your body? Turns out there is a giant vein running through there that is good for IVs.

I have. And it sucks. It's awful and terrible and so painful. 

I'm going to stop myself there because I'm getting off point. That right there is what runs through my head every time I see a new pregnant mom.

So I'm sorry. I'm trying to be there and be excited and interested. But sometimes I can't and I hope you understand.

It's not because I don't love you or that I don't care. It's because I cannot get the negativity out of my head and I don't want to spread it to other people. I don't want to be the depressing friend that can't stop crying.

So I leave my phone off. I leave it off till I can be truly happy and excited and supportive. I wait till I can be the best friend I can. 

Unplugged

Sometimes all you need is a break. Unwind, unplug from the computer, and just sit on the floor with your toddler and play with dinosaurs.

At least that's what I did.

You would not believe the amount of drama that can happen in the heart and angel mom communities. "My kid is sicker then yours", "just because their kid is sick doesn't make them special", "you don't belong here because your kid died". 

Pathetic.

Ignorant.

Cruel.

Rude.

Jealous.

These are just a few terms that describe some of the people out there. The people that should not be judging but instead be sharing support and love to other mothers who have experienced similar circumstances. But sadly, that isn't always the case.

So I turned the computer off and shut them all out. 

I won't say it was easy. I was surprised, honestly, at the anxiety I felt for not being involved. I felt like something bad would happen if I wasn't always updating with up to the minute information and articles. I needed to be in the loop! 

But after the anxiety passed, I felt peace. Calm. Less stressed. Let me tell you, it is hard work to always be networking and advocating and sharing articles on 12 different websites. It takes a lot of time, and that was time I should have been spending with my son. I was spending too much time on the computer trying to share awareness and help other people when I should have been playing with dinosaurs and building blocks with my son. 

So three days later, I feel much better. Almost cleansed. Of course the drama is still there, the arguments and competitions; but I know now that I don't have to always be in the loop. I can check in every once and a while and I can still advocate and spread awareness. But now, I'm going to be doing it on my time, when my son is asleep so I don't miss the little moments, like this.

or this

or this. :)

A thousand years

There are some thoughts after losing your baby that are absolutely devastating and break my heart over and over. One of the worst, for me, is I will never say his name to him ever again.

I talk about him daily, I say his name, I share his story. But I will never be able to talk to him again. Face to face, holding him, breathing his scent, touching his hair; I will never be able to again. 

It's so hard to wrap your head around, the term: forever. 

For the rest of my life, Corbin will be gone. I will always be an angel mom. Forever.

 "I have died everyday

 waiting for you.

 Darlin' don't be afraid

 I have loved you for a thousand years

 I'll love you for a thousand more."

 -Christina Perri

Losing my mind

Ok. I don't know if this is "normal", but here goes.

I'm afraid I'm going to die.

There, I said it. I'm afraid I'm going to die! I have no illness or life threatening habits, I don't go looking for dangerous acts to prove I'm still alive; I have no reason to think this. But I do. Pretty much every week, I play some sort of scenario in my head where I end up dying. I don't want to die of course. This fear started after Corbin passed away and now I'm afraid I'm going to die too. 

It starts like when I'm driving down the road and maybe the car behind me is following too close. Then for some reason I imagine the two of us wrecking, I'm stuck in the car, an ambulance shows up with the jaws of life, then I die. Then there I am, driving 75 mph (normal speed here in WV by the way) down the road, crying my eyes out, imagining my own death. 

I just cry and cry knowing that my husband and Monkey would have to go on without me. And I don't know why I worry about myself. I do worry about Monkey, like if he sleeps for an abnormally long time, but I don't imagine him dying like I do myself.

The more I keep typing, the crazier I feel. I'm losing my mind.

Am I the only one? Please say no...