Monday, August 22, 2011

You may not know...

There is a part of losing a child no one thinks about, something that you don't predict but makes sense when you think about it.

I never thought about it. I didn't realize it had happened till today. It's common sense and an "outsider" could probable point it out but being in the "storm" I haven't seen it till now.

My little world of me, the hubby, and the Monkey has been turned upside down. It has been shaken to the core and will never be the same. For the rest of my life I will always be the mom whose baby died. My hubby will always be the guy whose baby died. I will always be worried for other newborns and always checking their toes and hands. I will never stop worrying and never stop advocating for pulse ox.

I went over to my best friend's house today. I meant to bring fabric so we could be crafty and make homemade stuffed animals. I forgot. I was so mad at myself for forgetting because it was something I was looking forward to. I thought to myself "why am I forgetting everything!?"

"Because your still grieving, duh"

And it all kind of came together. My brain has been wiped clean. I was so focused for so long on medical terms, medications, doses, chest tubes, cardiology terms, oxygen numbers and feeding schedules; I can't remember anything else. It's all gone. Thank God most of our bills are taken out automatically. If I didn't get a bill in the mail, I would forget to pay anything. I don't go grocery shopping like I used to. I don't pay the bills like I used to. My schedule has been completely upended and is scattered all over the place. I have to focus and tell myself what to do. I used to keep a mental schedule of all bills and appointments but now I can't ever remember something from 3 seconds ago.

My brain is focused only on Corbin and the Monkey.

I feel stupid typing this out for others to read but I never thought about it before. My life will never be the same again. Ever.

I will always have a grave to visit. I will always have this scar. I will never forget.

My best friend and I ran a yard sale this weekend for my friend's mom. A grandma, her daughter, and the grandson stopped by to buy baby stuff. The first thing I did when I saw the infant was check his toes and hands. I looked for any sign of blue tinted skin. I can't help it. It kind of bothered me. Am I ever going to stop?

No. I'm not.

And that's okay. Corbin was born and he died for a reason. If I do happen to come across a newborn with blue toes I am now educated enough to let the parents know what could be wrong. I can save a life and it's all thanks to Corbin. I would never know about pulse ox and how to save a life if he hadn't came into my life.

So it may take me a while to get back into my old routine. My memory may never come back. We may go without groceries for a week longer then usual. But the knowledge I have gained from this experience is so important. It had a high price but it is helping me make a difference.

I hope you're proud of me Peanut. Love you baby.

You are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.

You make me happy,
when skies are grey.

You'll never know dear,
how much I love you.

So don't take my sunshine away...