Friday, November 25, 2011

What to say

"So, is he your only child?"

Such a hard question to answer. 

I was perusing around TJ Maxx today for Christmas presents and Monkey was whining because I took away the kids-size sauce pan he was playing with. A middle aged woman stopped to cheer him up and we started chatting.

Whenever this question is presented, there is always a long pause where I am debating whether or not to answer honestly.
It's not because I don't like talking about Corbin, or that I don't want to take the time to explain. I love talking about Corbin and spreading his story. It's just sometimes you have to consider where you are, what time of year it is, and if the person asking will honestly be interested. There are times I do say I have two kids, but then there is always the chance that your new friend will ask further questions. "So how old are they?" "How far apart are they?" What are their names?" It keeps going and warrants further explanation. It's not always the appropriate time; say when you are checking out at the store. Sometimes it's not the appropriate place; say a doctor's office full of pregnant woman. There are better ways to spread awareness then by starting out a conversation with "my son died." So sometimes I just avoid the awkward moment of: "Oh....I'm so sorry" by saying I only have one child. 

It's hard to explain the feeling unless you have experienced it yourself. After someone asks you how many children you have after you have lost a child, there is a tiny moment of panic. For me at least, there is. Mainly because I never know what is going to trigger the water works. Sometimes I can go through an entire, lively conversation on heart defects and pulse ox without batting an eyelash. But then sometimes all the other person has to say is "I understand", and then the tears flow. 

Like I said, it's not that I don't like talking about Peanut or what I so strongly believe in; it's the chance of an emotional breakdown that I am debating whether or not I want to risk.