Memorial

Not too long after Corbin passed, a member of our family who works for the town's recreation department suggested that we erect a sign in honor of Corbin. I was so touched and excited! It's taken a little while, but it's here!

I love the red balloon. It's like Corbin is right here. If you are in the Greenbrier County, you can see this sign at the Riverside park outside Charmco. 

Love you Peanut, hope you like it <3

Guest Post!

I had the honor of writing my first guest post the other day. My dear friend Heather asked me if I would  like to share Corbin's story and my mission for pulse ox advocacy. I was thrilled! Of course!

I feel like it's a little preachy, but it's to the point. I didn't want it to be too long so that readers would stay interested. It has a lot of links to help share information and I think that helps drive the point home.

If you would like to check it out, head over to Heather's blog and read more about pulse ox and how my baby inspired me to make a difference!

Baby Season

 I just want to check out for a few days. Disappear. Head off the map.
My reason: it's baby season.

It happens every year around the same time. People are very pregnant or have just had a baby. There are baby pictures everywhere, updates on milestones reached, complaints of lack of sleep, ultrasound pictures, and complaints of pregnancy symptoms.

God help me.

I know it is a beautiful thing to be pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I loved feeling the kicks and hick-ups. But everything about it now makes me sad. I used to love seeing other people's babies and smelling their wonderful baby smell. Now it's painful. It hurts. I used to smile when I saw pregnant women, now I just cringe and think "Good luck".

I feel so overwhelmed right now. I shouldn't. It's not like I have a hectic job with 4 kids at home. I am an unemployed, stay at home mom to one toddler. I have nothing to do, no schedule. Yet my brain is fried. I feel exhausted all the time. I'm never in the mood for anything. I'd rather just sit at home, staring at the tv, and just waste away. I feel like I'm a waste of space. Just throw me out in the field and leave me there. I feel like I'm lying to myself. I'm trying to make a difference but it feels fake. Like it's just a show. People tell me they're proud of me for being an advocate for babies and pulse ox. But it's not like I've actually done anything. I just feel useless.

Now I feel stupid for whining. What is wrong with me!?

I'm going to bed. Sleep is the only escape I have. And it never lasts long enough.

Think before you speak

Words are a powerful thing. They can be soft and warm and something that makes us smile. They can also be sharp and painful and can take our breath away with hurt. I am reading too many stories, too often, of how someone’s words were hurtful. This needs to end.

There are children out there who have scars. Big scars, right in the middle of their chest. These are heart kids. They have met heart defects head on and conquered them. They are heart warriors. These kids have braved mighty storms of fear and uncertainty that many of us would run crying from. They have seen and experienced things that would keep you up at night.

Yet, there are people that call them freak. Weirdo. All because they have a scar on their chest.

Why? Because they look different? Is that a good reason? Of course not. How would you feel if I called you a freak for having a birthmark or red hair? You can’t help those things, yet you stand out because of them and people think that’s weird.

Then there are the Williams Syndrome kids. Friendly, outgoing, talkative, and kids who know no strangers. They love everyone and aren’t afraid to say it. They have adorable little button noses and beautiful starburst eyes. They also have medical problems. Some have heart problems, others have hearing problems. Some walk a little later, or learn to talk a little later. But that doesn’t hold them back from being amazingly smart and loving.

Yet, there are people who call them retarded. Stupid. All because they need hearing aids to hear, or because they wear glasses.

If I went around, calling every person who wears glasses stupid..wouldn’t someone speak up and say “Just because I’m wearing glasses doesn’t give you the right to judge me!”. Exactly. Don’t judge someone you don’t know. Don’t call kids names. And most importantly-THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!

Look ma, I'm on TV!

About two weeks ago, I and a fellow heart mom Michelle, were interviewed about our journeys through heart defects and our mission (along with Kathy) to make Pulse Ox mandatory in West Virginia.
Read more here.

It got bumped a few times, times changed, but in the end it finally aired. And I was on TV! No, really, I am so happy that it was shown on public television. It reaches much more people then your basic media. I can only reach so many people through Facebook, blogging, Twitter, and word of mouth. By having an interview aired on television, and now posted online; I am estatic. Like I said in the interview: if I hear one story of a parent that says they saw our interview and it saved thier baby's life; then we have been successful.

 Check it our and share!

 

http://www.wvva.com/global/video/popup/pop_playerLaunch.asp?vt1=v&clipFormat=flv&clipId1=6043458&at1=News&h1=Mothers

Don't talk to me

Sometimes I wish I had a sign on my forehead.

When I go out to the grocery store or to a gas station; people see me and label me as "mother", or "short blonde", or maybe "wife to a big scary looking guy". But if they looked closer they would see the necklace around my neck with my son's name on it, and the memorial tattoo on my shoulder. If they really paid attention, they might notice the bags under my eyes and the look I get when I see other people's babies.
Sometimes I just wish I had a sign on my forehead that said "I am a grieving mother, please don't talk to me".

When I go out in public, I am mother/wife/woman/daughter. No one knows my story, no one could even imagine the life I have led.
When I'm online, people know who I am. They know my story and some of them can relate. I pour my feelings out to a computer screen, typing away my life through a keyboard. I enjoy the control I have online. I can say what I want, to whomever I want, whenever I want. But when I'm in public and someome asks "Aw, the picture you have hanging off your purse, is that your baby?".
And I say "Yes, yes he is. He passed away and his name is Corbin."
Then they will know. They will give me the look, and say their condolences, and go about their day. I, on the other hand, will be swallowed back into the thoughts of my newborn. I will try with all my might to remember his cry, and fail. I will try to remember what he smelled like, and fail. I will try to remember what his weight felt like in my arms, and fail.
You can never explain that feeling. There is no book for it, no "How to grieve a lost child". It happens and you learn the hard way that not all things can be put in a scrapbook. You can keep his first hair cut from when they tried to put an IV in his head, but you can't capture the smell of his hair. You can take a picture of their tiny newborn feet, but you can't put the newborn smell in a bottle.

Sometimes I wish I had a sign on my forehead telling the world "Please don't talk to me."

The Band

Awhile ago I found this website.

It brings together people with similar stories and enables them to vent, scream, cry, or just straight up cuss someone out.

Sometimes it helps me gain perspective. Sometimes it makes me cringe. Other times it makes me grateful for what I have and that my story isn't like theirs.

If you are a cutter, abuse victim, alcoholic, or just feeling like you life is crap-this website is a good source to find support and similar stories. No matter what you are going through, there is at least one person out there that has been through it too. And maybe by sharing your story, you will be that one person who helps someone else through a hard time.

Curse of the "Threes"

Have you ever heard of bad things happening in threes?
I'm afraid bad thing number three is going to happen soon.
1. Peanut passed away.
2. Husband's best friend's grandpa passed away.
3. My best friend in the whole entire universe may have something wrong health-wise.

She went to the doctor about strep throat and asked about something that has been sitting on her mind. They ran some blood work and the according to the doctor, the two things that could be wrong are both bad. I don't want to say what it is until she has heard for sure but I am very worried.

I don't want anything to happen to her. She is the only other person, besides family, that understand "how I am". She knows when I say something that comes across as rude, that I didn't mean it that way. I have a hard time finding the right words most of the time. I have to stop and think about what I'm going to say so that it comes out right. She knows this. She gets this. I can't talk to anyone else like I can to her.

When she called me and told me what the doctor had said, I got scared. We're not talking about the flu, but something much more serious and long term. Possible life threatening.

I"m scared. I don't want anything else bad to happen.
Please God, help my friend.