Monday, July 18, 2011

Baby Season

 I just want to check out for a few days. Disappear. Head off the map.
My reason: it's baby season.

It happens every year around the same time. People are very pregnant or have just had a baby. There are baby pictures everywhere, updates on milestones reached, complaints of lack of sleep, ultrasound pictures, and complaints of pregnancy symptoms.

God help me.

I know it is a beautiful thing to be pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I loved feeling the kicks and hick-ups. But everything about it now makes me sad. I used to love seeing other people's babies and smelling their wonderful baby smell. Now it's painful. It hurts. I used to smile when I saw pregnant women, now I just cringe and think "Good luck".

I feel so overwhelmed right now. I shouldn't. It's not like I have a hectic job with 4 kids at home. I am an unemployed, stay at home mom to one toddler. I have nothing to do, no schedule. Yet my brain is fried. I feel exhausted all the time. I'm never in the mood for anything. I'd rather just sit at home, staring at the tv, and just waste away. I feel like I'm a waste of space. Just throw me out in the field and leave me there. I feel like I'm lying to myself. I'm trying to make a difference but it feels fake. Like it's just a show. People tell me they're proud of me for being an advocate for babies and pulse ox. But it's not like I've actually done anything. I just feel useless.

Now I feel stupid for whining. What is wrong with me!?

I'm going to bed. Sleep is the only escape I have. And it never lasts long enough.