Carvings

I wanted to do something to include Corbin this Fall. Monkey and I went to a pumpkin farm with two of my friends and their daughters. The kids had a blast and we were able to enjoy a few activities and pick up pumpkins for under $20!

To honor Peanut and have him included, I carved a pumpkin for him.

I started with two medium pumpkins

Traced out the boy's names in pencil

I added wings to the C of Corbin's name

The carved the skin out with a kitchen knife.

Big brother

little brother

I also added a halo to the I.

Very easy cleanup and I love how they turned out.

What have you done to honor your angel baby this Fall season?

Memorial Wall

I've been working on a project. And now I'm done.

I'll let the pictures speak for me.

Love you Peanut.

Heart racing

Heart racing, pulse rising...I can't watch other babies go through what Corbin did. Dear God, give me strength. This past week has been so hard. I miss him and the pain makes me want to stay in bed all day and not talk to anyone.
A new mother was told her daughter might have heart defects. I found out that there are no serious heart problems but I can't help but worry. She says her daughter has really bad jaundice; Corbin had really bad jaundice. Just the thought of "what if they're wrong?" sends my heart racing. I feel the fear come back. I can't breath. I'm terrified for this mother, for the things she doesn't know, for the things I DO know. Dear God, what if they're wrong? What if this mother goes home and her baby dies in her arms? There's nothing I can do. I can't tell this mother "I think you need a second opinion". I can't put that amount of doubt, worry, and fear on her shoulders. So I carry it instead. Am I losing it? Am I going to think every baby is going to die? The fear, the worry, the wild thoughts.
What is wrong with me?

Bad day

So I'm having one of those days where everything makes me mad, everyone makes me mad, and I just want to punch something.
I feel like I'm drowning and no one looks toward my screams for help. Just go about your day, don't mind me! I'll just be here, by myself, trying to keep my head above water. Have fun in your lovely life, where you have no worries bigger then where you are going to eat lunch.

I just have a head full of negative thoughts and they are threatening to explode everywhere. God help me keep my calm. Today is one of those days...

Thank you

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I started blogging with the goal in mind of attracting a wide following, posting neat, interesting posts, having lively conversations, and sharing my passion for photography and life. I wanted a blog that was fun to read, offered recipes and crafting tips; somewhere you could go and have many interesting things to read and talk about.
Then life happened.
I haven't lost that goal, but it has been catapulted to the back of the line of "important things to do". Like paying off Corbin's headstone, earning an income, and remembering to eat.

I feel like I should apologize but I'm not going to. The past few days have been hard. I think emotions and feelings are catching up with me; that the grief I have been avoiding by staying busy is creeping back in. I can't hide from it or run from it; it finds me at any moment and breaks me down. Combined with the beginning of Pregnancy and Child Loss Awareness Month, I just don't feel like being social or interacting with people.

I guess my point is I have to go at my own pace. Blogging has been really therapeutic for me and the fact that people are reading what I'm writing helps. There are people out there who hear what I say and they (sometimes) have something to say back! That is really so cool; to have feedback. So thank you for reading.