The new me

The old me never would have donated blood.

The old me would just throw those March if Dimes donation letters in the trash.

The old me would get so angry about traffic, long lines, or flight delays.

The old me would say I'm praying for a sick person but not actually do it.

The old me would live each day lazily, not thinking about what could be done to help others.

The old me would take for granted all the good things in her life.

But I'm not that person anymore. I couldn't be if I wanted to. The minute I had Corbin, my life changed. Forever.

The new me tries to do something good for someone else as often as possible.

The new me donates to charity and good causes as much as I can afford.

The new me doesn't stress over long lines or flight delays. I know everything happens for a reason and I try to make the best of it. Every day is an adventure.

The new me realizes now how incredibly important donating blood and organs is. You CAN save a life, multiple lives, by one selfless donation.

The new me thanks God every day for my healthy two year old and the achievements he makes every day.

The new me cries when seeing posts about sick children and prays through those tears that they make it through.

You see, now that I know what I know about pulse ox, heart defects, newborn screening, and how often children die, I can never look at life the same way again. I can never go back to how I was. I can never have the old way of thinking that I had. I know too much and I cannot keep that to myself. I have to share that knowledge with the world!

Corbin lived a short life, yes, but it was full of meaning! It had a purpose. My son did not die in vain. My son has already made a huge difference in my life, my family's life, and in the lives of others who never met him. My son is an inspiration.

The new me sees that. The new me is not ignoring the call, the call to educate and inspire others to make a difference. The new me has passion and a purpose in life, all because of Corbin and his short three months on Earth.

The new me is thankful.

Drought

I wish I had something motivating and inspiring to say, but I don't. I feel like I'm stuck. Stuck in a mud hole devoid of words or inspiration.
I'm just blank.

I recently took on two part time jobs and even though I still have time to write, network, and keep up with my volunteer work, I feel like I'm not doing anything useful. I don't like that feeling. I need something to do. Something useful, something good. I need a project.

But what? I don't know.

I look around and see these amazing moms and dads, making a difference, helping others, and being inspiring contributors to society and I feel left out. I want to be a part of that. I want to help.

Sigh.

I don't know what has brought on this drought of thought and emotion but I really don't like it. 

Heaven sent

I've been told that as an angel mom, you tend to look for signs from God or from your angel. But today there was no doubt; I was sent a sign from Peanut just to make me smile.

I still am smiling.

Monkey and I were playing outside after being cooped up all day while it rained. He was splashing around in the mud puddles in his new fireman's boots my mom got him.
I looked up, towards the back field and literally saw a rainbow materialize before my eyes.

It started behind the farm..

and ended behind our neighbor's house.

Beginning...

end.

As I watched, it slowly disappeared and I gave a sign of disappointment. I silently thanked God for letting me witness such beauty. 

It wasn't a minute later, when it started to sprinkle rain. The heavy kind of sprinkle where it looks like it's falling in slow motion. The kind of rain lovers make out to in the movies.

I turned around, and OHMYGOSH, the rainbow reappeared, stronger then before!

This time it was closer, starting right in our back yard!

It got brighter..

and brighter! Followed by a second bow.

I could only gasp, and keep snapping pictures.

The other end stopped in our horse field, followed by a second bow as well.

Amazing. 

Thank you Peanut, for making me smile today. 

First impressions

This post is brought on by a photo I came across today on Facebook.

Have you ever had a moment where you first impression of someone is negative but after you hear their story, your impression takes a 360?

I had that moment a few days ago. I was shadowing a co-worker on a case with two kids and we took the kids to the park.
While there, I noticed a girl that looked to me, about 16, who was carrying a tiny newborn around. She was surrounded by redneck ( for lack of a better word) boys, was dressed in teeny tiny booty shorts, and was walking around the park barefoot. The day was bright and sunny, around 70 degrees yet the child had no hat or protective clothing from the sun.

My first impression: disgust, disapproval, and pity. I'm thinking "look at this teenager, walking around with a newborn in the heat, looking like trailer trash. I wonder how many more kids she has, did she finish school, and who's the baby daddy?"

I don't say a word out loud, at the same time telling myself to quit being so judgmental. It is a bad habit that really gets me nowhere.

When we get in the car to leave, the girl we are with starts talking about the girl with the baby. She says when the baby was born, she was left in the birth canal too long and suffered a fracture on her skull. It possibly caused brain damage and did cause seizures. The baby had to be taken to a children's hospital and stayed for three months.

Then she tells us that the mother also has a stillborn the year before.

Oh the guilt I felt for being such an ass to judge this girl. The pain she has endured and all I thought when I saw her was "trailer trash".
I couldn't take one minute to try and understand the girl's situation; I just assumed.

We pass by hundreds of people each day, never thinking that the majority of them are suffering, are in pain, or have lost someone dear to them. The assumptions we have, the first impressions and the looks of disapproval. I'm sure people have looked at me thinking " mother, wife, stay at home mom" but never take the time to know the pain and loss I have endured.
We should not make a first impression till after talking to someone and taking the time to hear their story. You never know the struggles people deal with on a daily basis and we all need to slow down and quit being so judgmental.
I know I'm not one to preach as I have yet to stop doing this myself, I just hope by reading this you will slow down next time and tell yourself " I don't know this person's story".

It's getting close

With Corbin's first angel-versary coming up on the 17th, I'm really struggling with what I could do. I am actually going to be in DC on that day, which really bothers me that I won't be home with my family on such a hard day, but it can't be helped.

I know while I'm in DC, I'm going to release a balloon for him. It will nice to know that I never would have made it DC without Corbin. I never would have had these opportunities or would have met such great people. Maybe I could get a few of us at the meeting to have a moment for Corbin.

I'm just wondering, angel moms: what did you do for your angel's first anniversary?