Wednesday, February 15, 2012


So I'm blaming my therapist for the fact I cry so much easier now.

I know it's cliche to say I had a wall up, preventing me from dealing with my emotions, but I think that's what happened. I didn't do it on purpose, but after my first therapy session, I realized that it had indeed happened. And I just cried, and it felt great.
I was really scaring myself, thinking that I had lost all emotion because I didn't cry anymore. I felt like a terrible mother for not bawling as I would tell Corbin's Story. "What is wrong with me?" I asked myself, way too many times.
But not now.
Now I tear up every time I tell his story.

Like today in my interview (YAY by the way, first interview in two years!!). My best friend, of 15 years, referred me to her company and I actually got a call back and was able to sit down with a supervisor and discuss possible employment! 
As I was telling him a little about myself, I mentioned the hours were what really attracted me and would be so great because I have a two year old.
"Oh, is he your first?"
Then there's that tiny moment where I debate whether or not to tell him about Corbin...
"Well, yes but I also have another son, Corbin, who passed away this past May."

And I feel the tears.

Then my first thought is "Damn that therapist!"
Which then makes me smile, because it's not her fault, and it's not a bad thing. I'm not ashamed of the tears, in fact, I welcome the tears. They are healing for my soul.

So thank you Dr. Ryan. Thank you for helping me get past that wall and deal with my emotions.

Which I should add, my second appointment went really well. I walked into the office, high on happiness, because we had finally gotten our tax return which lifted a ginormous amount of stress from my shoulders. My therapist was happy to see me so happy and asked why I was in such a good mood. I started talking about our $3000 transmission incident, which led to my job search, which led to my schooling, which led to my first mistake engagement, which led to ex boyfriends.
So you can bet that conversation was interesting.

And that I'm thankful about the whole doctor-patient confidentiality thing. :P