Never let Corbin be forgotten...thoughts

It's been so long since I've wrote anything on this page. But I feel like I can share here. Like it's safe.

What I fear the most is that Corbin will be forgotten. It's different when you have a living child; they are always around, doing things, passing milestones, making your life brighter.
But when your child is dead...it's totally different. You LIVE EACH DAY trying to share their story, spread their legacy, continue their life.

It's hard.

I love my son. Don't you ever question that. He has changed my life more then you could ever fathom. Corbin was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. He was the best in the sense that he opened my eyes to compassion, true love, patience, PATIENCE!!!, and the will to make a difference. He was the worst in the sense that I have never really felt pain until he left. I thought I did.
My boyfriend died in a motorcycle crash when I was eighteen. I've never written about this before. In the moment, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I remember laying in my bed just screaming in pain. My soul was broken. But I also remember the day I "got over it". I remember waking up and realizing that I wasn't thinking about Brandon. I wasn't thinking about the way he died and I moved on.

But losing a child.

Whew.

Losing a child is losing a piece of yourself. Losing a child has no comparison. Losing a child defines you. Whether you chose to let that definition be positive or negative is up to you, but it defines you and the entirety of your life.

Some people compare losing a child to losing a pet. I will not apologize for the fact that I will NEVER.

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

agree to that comparison. I lost my son, then a couple months later my dog died. My dog, my puppy, of TWELVE years. The puppy that was a surprise from my parents after begging for months, and months, and months, for a golden retriever. That day I finally got one. His eyes were droopy but he was mine. He was my Sandy. I loved that dog incredibly. I cried just thinking about the day he would die. After I got married, I took Sandy with me to my new home. I had to chain him up for a couple weeks so that he would know this is his new home and that he should stay close by, since a highway went in front of our house. He did great. He stayed close by, only crossing the street to forage through the neighbor's trash.
And they loved him.
They would set scraps out for him, knowing that he would visit sometime during the night and gobble those scraps up.
They asked about him, after he died. They asked "Where is Sandy? We left some deer scraps out for him but they haven't been eaten. Is he okay?"

I cried the day he died. I'm tearing up right now thinking about it.

Sandy was MY puppy. Even though he was twelve human years old, 36 dogs years old, he was always my puppy. He was gold, and soft, and the sweetest, most loving dog you have ever met.
But it was his time. He was getting old. His nose was grey and he started keeping to himself. I knew it was coming, but it still hurt when my father-in-law called to tell me that Sandy had died during the night, in his sleep.

BUT

losing Corbin was different. Losing Corbin was NOTHING like losing Sandy. Sandy was a pet, he was a part of my family but I knew he would die. I knew he wouldn't stick around forever.

I thought my son would stick around forever.

What more do I need to say? There is no greater loss in life then having to bury your child. Whether they were still in utero or 45 years old, there is NOTHING like losing a child and don't you DARE tell me otherwise.

NOT the same

I know I have written about his before, but please, please, please do not compare losing a pet to losing a family member. It is not, and never will be, the same.

I am truly, sincerely sorry you lost your pet. I love animals and it is very sad when one passes away. I had my Golden Retriever Sandy for 12 years before he passed away in his sleep. I had my son Corbin for three months before his heart stopped. Not the same.

I know most parents will never understand, and I hope they never do. Losing a child is a cruel, dark, and very sad time in a parent's life. We are not supposed to out live our children, it is just not the way it should be. But sadly it does happen. After Corbin passed, family members came out to say that they had lost their two year to drowning, another lost her middle aged son to a car crash, another to Lupus..and that was just in my immediate family. I hate that others can relate.

You can NOT relate, however, if you lost a pet. Don't even begin to say that you understand because you don't. You may think you do, but you don't.
Just do not say it.
Ever.
Ever.

Losing a pet is NOT "the hardest thing I have ever gone through"
Losing a pet is NOT "like losing a family member"
Losing a pet is losing a pet. Not your mother, not your sister, and most certainly not your child.

I want to stress here that I am not trying to be insensitive or hateful. I am just trying to let you know how much it hurts when you say that! As I type this I am on the verge of tears, trembling with a mix of anger and sadness. I just read a conversation where someone said losing their cat was the hardest thing they have ever gone through. Then someone said they understood, it was like losing a family member.
Oh how I wanted to yell and scream and make them understand.
But I can't do that.
If I yelled about how stupid that sounds to me and how hurtful it is, I would be singled out at the crazy, emotional mother who lost a baby. So I, as tactfully as I could, commented that I was truly sorry but I did not agree that it was the worst that could happen.
But they don't understand.

So instead, I am here, venting to my computer about how hurt and sad and angry that makes me. I cried when Sandy died, I reminisced about his life and the good times we had together. Then it was over. I had my  moment to be sad over my puppy but then it was done.
After Corbin died, I just wanted to switch places with him. I cried, and screamed, and grieved, and it was truly the worst thing that had ever happened to me. That grief will never end. I will always long for my child, to touch his toes, to stroke his hair, to kiss his little button nose. But I will never have that chance. I will never hold my baby again and that is the worst thing in the world.

So please, I beg you, do not compare the two. Losing any family member, whether pet or human is painful yes, but they are NOT the same.

Thoughts

I've been thinking about doing this for a very long time now. I've been told my many people that I should. I've even talked to others about getting it done. But what's holding me back is: I don't want people to think I'm doing it for the wrong reason.

I want to write a book.

I'm not worried about making money or becoming a "real" author and writing more. I just want to put Corbin's full story into one collective piece to share with others. There are a lot of things I haven't written about that are part of his story and should be told. 

I just don't want people to say "She's doing it for the money", or that I'm trying to make money off of Corbin's death. Because that's not true. So many good things have happened because of Corbin, that I feel it needs to be shared on a bigger level. 

I love blogging and I love how many people I can reach, but it's not the same. I want to be able to walk to my bookshelf, pull out a book, and say to Monkey "this is your brother's story, this is his life. Read it and learn how he changed the world." 

I want to have something physical that represents his story. Something I can take with me and give to others. "Read this and learn that good things can happen after heartbreak. Learn how you can make a difference, how you can save lives, and how you can memorialize your baby for eternity." 

Does that sound selfish? I hope it didn't come across that way. 

This isn't for me, this is for all those mothers out there who have lost a child and didn't know where their life would go afterwards. This is for all those unborn babies who need someone to talk for them. I want to do this because I am so proud of Corbin. I'm not the one who touched so many hearts or inspired others to make a change. He did. I didn't show the strength of a lion after battling a life threatening disease, he did. My son is amazing and I want to share that with everyone. 

You hear that Peanut? I'm am so very, very proud of you. You have made such a difference in your short little life and it amazes me every day the people you have touched and inspired. 

I wonder if you would be willing to help? Would you share how Corbin touched your life in some way? 

I bet we could fill chapters with those stories. :)

Heart Ball 2012

Some of you may have read about my recent trip to Washington DC, part one and two. If you haven't, take a minute (or longer) to read so you'll understand how crazy my weekend was.

The day I get back from DC, and after sleeping in till noon (yikes!), my hubby and I got out of bed and prepare to leave again in a couple hours to go back up to Charleston for the AHAs (American Heart Association) yearly Heart Ball.

I had been invited not only as a heart mom, but as a speaker. I was pretty nervous and had been contemplating what to say for weeks. I didn't write a speech because I never stick to them and I usually just "wing it" and do pretty fine. This had a bit more pressure because it was a fundraiser and I didn't want it to have too much detail and lose people's attention, nor did I want it to be really emotional and become a sobbing mess in front of 300 finely dressed people.

We clean up pretty good!

*and yes, that is the dining room table on it's side. It's used as a barrier to keep The Kid out of the kitchen*

The drive up is uneventful and we arrive in Charleston right on time. The AHA was able to get us a room at the Marriot, where the ball was taking place, so that we wouldn't have to drive back home again at 1 in the morning. *waves* Thanks Holly!! So the Hubby and I were excited about staying in a nice hotel together for once. :)

The reason for the ball: to honor Dr. Dilip Basu and his Heart of Gold Award.

Once you step inside the ballroom, you see all the table full of items for the silent auction.

Then in the middle of the ballroom were our heart kids! That's Jacob on the far right whose mom blogs as well!

These cutouts were blown up from the pictures I took of the kids months earlier.

We wander around for a while, looking at the items up for silent auction, get our pictures taken, then wander back to our table to eat. 

Out table arrangement.

My delicious salad.

So before dinner was served, it was time for the night's introduction by Bailey, a 9 year old heart survivor.
Click here to watch his speech. I didn't catch the first couple seconds, but he did great!

Then dinner was served.

Then dinner, which was yummy. The steak wasn't as rare as I would have liked, but the fish I could have eaten every day for the rest of my life.

The ballroom.

My hubby telling tales of his job as a Correctional Officer. I felt bad for the other heart parents because I know how long Hubby can talk and talk about that kind of thing. But they enjoyed his stories and he was very entertaining.

Check out this little beauty :) She's one sister of a heart survivor.

Then the live auction began!

Here's the auctioneer going around hassling people to bid. :P

The fundraising was slow going, but I was happy to see that people were participating and donating. 

Then it was my turn to speak. I took a deep breath, drank down the rest of my wine, and walked up to the podium.

Watch here.

While I spoke, they showed a slideshow behind me. 

He is me when I spoke in front of Delegates at our state Capitol.

A photo I ordered from Names in the Sand  for Corbin's birthday.

I was pretty proud of myself! I think I did a good job, I didn't get flustered or fumble over my words, and I didn't break down. There was a moment, if you noticed, where I looked over and saw Corbin's picture and I had to take a second to compose myself. But overall I think it went great!

The rest of the night involved free wine, music by a Beatles cover band, and lot's of cute kids dancing and just being adorable. 

Heart warrior Jacob. He was so funny. Whatever game he was playing on his mom's iphone was cracking him up and in turn, making the rest of us laugh along with him.

The band did great! I love how they got involved and let Jacob come up and play the tambourine. 

Heart mom and her gorgeous, curly-haired daughters. 

Jacob was a total ladies man that night.

Dancing with mom.

Check out the video of Jacob totally cutting a rug! Hilarious! 

And another cute video of cute kids dancing. 

Like I said, ladies man!

Our AHA friend Holly, then my two heart mom advocates helping with Corbin's Bill, whose son's are both named Jacob. 

Heart moms, advocates, mothers, wives, and saving lives in honor of all heart babies and Corbin.

I had so much fun. Dinner was great, the speakers were touching and inspiring, and we raised money to help those affected by heart disease. I can't wait for next year!

Now for the best part. Our room. :)

Check out the carpet!

The bed was actually really uncomfortable, the pillows were way too soft or way too hard, but the sheets were really nice!

I want this chair for my living room.

You know I have to get a bathroom shot.

Really? Bath and Body Works? 

You know I took those home :)

Interview

So I'm blaming my therapist for the fact I cry so much easier now.

I know it's cliche to say I had a wall up, preventing me from dealing with my emotions, but I think that's what happened. I didn't do it on purpose, but after my first therapy session, I realized that it had indeed happened. And I just cried, and it felt great.

I was really scaring myself, thinking that I had lost all emotion because I didn't cry anymore. I felt like a terrible mother for not bawling as I would tell Corbin's Story. "What is wrong with me?" I asked myself, way too many times.

But not now.

Now I tear up every time I tell his story.

Like today in my interview (YAY by the way, first interview in two years!!). My best friend, of 15 years, referred me to her company and I actually got a call back and was able to sit down with a supervisor and discuss possible employment! 

As I was telling him a little about myself, I mentioned the hours were what really attracted me and would be so great because I have a two year old.

"Oh, is he your first?"

Then there's that tiny moment where I debate whether or not to tell him about Corbin...

"Well, yes but I also have another son, Corbin, who passed away this past May."

And I feel the tears.

Breathe

Then my first thought is "Damn that therapist!"

Which then makes me smile, because it's not her fault, and it's not a bad thing. I'm not ashamed of the tears, in fact, I welcome the tears. They are healing for my soul.

So thank you Dr. Ryan. Thank you for helping me get past that wall and deal with my emotions.

Which I should add, my second appointment went really well. I walked into the office, high on happiness, because we had finally gotten our tax return which lifted a ginormous amount of stress from my shoulders. My therapist was happy to see me so happy and asked why I was in such a good mood. I started talking about our $3000 transmission incident, which led to my job search, which led to my schooling, which led to my first mistake engagement, which led to ex boyfriends.

shudder

So you can bet that conversation was interesting.

And that I'm thankful about the whole doctor-patient confidentiality thing. :P