Say it, then let it go

I'm writing this here because it's highly improbable that someone will read it. If you are reading this, please don't think less of me. I have struggled with these feelings for quite some time now and I usually vent and complain to my husband to let go of these feelings, but then sometimes...I just have to say it "out loud" to the world.

I used to be so open and honest on my blog. I used to tell the world exactly how I felt no matter how scary or raw or uncomfortable it may have been. I wasn't afraid because I knew that other people were feeling the same way and I want them to know they aren't alone. You should never feel alone. No matter what you are going through, you should always feel comfort in the fact that you are not the only person in the entire world is who going through "it". Whatever "IT" is, you are not the only one! That has always been important to me but somewhere along the way I told myself that it was NOT okay to share what I was feeling. That I should never say it out loud because it is selfish and petty I should be thankful instead of feeling mad, hurt, and extremely frustrated.

The guilt is what stops me. I have experienced some pretty intense guilt and this ranks up there pretty high. Guilt is a very powerful emotion but it is time to just SAY IT.

I just want to give up.

Is ANYONE listening?

Does ANYONE care?

What's the point anymore!?!?

I HATE this sometimes. I despise asking for money and fundraisers. I hate doing them, I feel like I'm always asking for help and money and that people are just sick of hearing me talk. I feel like no one cares anymore. Corbin has been gone for almost 5 years now and nobody wants to hear about it anymore. Just stop talking about it already. He's gone, just move on and quit bugging me for money for some organization I have never heard of that does things I don't understand and talks about stuff I have never heard of.

I FEEL like people ignore my posts. All of them. There is no attention anymore. At all.

Yes, there are some people. VERY VERY VERY few people who I KNOW care because they have taken the time, on more than one occasion to support my fundraisers, share my posts, and ask if I need any help. I can name them on one hand.

THAT is exactly why I never complain. THAT is why I keep my mouth shut even though I am SCREEEEEAAAAAMING inside for people to just pay attention for a minute and FOR GOD'S SAKE HELP ME. I am BEGGING YOU. I can't express it anymore strongly then PLEASE. Please. Please. Please.
I just want one or two people to say "hey, I took off work a couple hours early to come help you, I know you need it!". But then the viscous guilt trip cycle begins. I want someone to care enough to take time out of their day BUT I don't want anyone to go out of their way to help. I DON'T want to be a burden at all. I don't want you to have to spend money or miss an appointment or a party for me.

I just want someone to WANT to take the time to help. 

It doesn't make any sense. I know. 

That's why I never, ever say anything.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I don't want to sound like I don't appreciate the help that has been offered to me. I truly do appreciate it. 

But you have no idea how hard it is. How much MONEY it takes to run a nonprofit. And I can't afford to fund my own Fund!! How funny is that? I need help but I don't want help. Look at me, I'm a mess.

Can someone just donate $10,000 so I can stop worrying about it? Please?! That's chump change to some people, even where I live. 

Did you know that I'm happy if 5 people show up to one of my events? 

Did you know that one of my recent fundraisers LOST money because only 4 people paid?

Did you know that I spent 12 hours handing out fliers for a fundraiser that NO ONE CAME TO?!

It hurts. It hurts SO MUCH. I just cry and cry and scream and get SO MAD. I just want to scream at people "YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!". 

But I can't.

That would be rude. 

Ungrateful.

Shameful.

Ugly.

I can't do that. What kind of person am I?

So I keep quiet. And I blog when it gets too much to bear.

So please, if you are reading this, please realize that I just have to say these things to let them go. 

Acknowledge the emotion, then let it go. 

An old life

This used to be a part of my life-

ART

I was always drawing, sketching, taking out my notepad to write down inspiration...I was in love with taking my pastels and charcoal and bringing something to life. I was quite good and I wanted to make a career out of it. I majored in Graphic Design in college and was full of ideas and inspiration. 

My muse never slept.

But...

she is quiet now. I don't have the urge to draw like I once did. I miss it...I wish I could turn up the power on my inner artist, but some days I'm afraid it has left me forever. 

Here is a little view into that part of me..

-This one did not scan well, but you get the idea..

Reaching out 13 years after losing a child..

 "Your story is a hard one to tell but I have a great love for you for sharing. I myself had a loss of a child. Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and I had to come home to an empty room..."

I get these kind of emails more often then I'd like...but at the same time I'm thankful they are reaching out to me. Child loss is an unimaginable pain, but it should not be carried alone. We must all come together in love, compassion, and understanding to hold each other up, to offer up a tissue, and cry with each other as we grieve and mourn our lost children. 

You are not alone.

You will never be alone.

I just wanted to say: I'm listening. I'm here. 

Into the black hole, I fall

I feel like I'm spinning around and around and I'm losing control of everything I had a grip on.

The whirling ball of anxiety in my chest gets faster and faster to where it makes me dizzy and I just want to scream.

I can't even concentrate enough to get this post out. What am I trying to say?

I'm fed up! I'm so mentally exhausted, right now, in this moment with the world. The world can kiss my butt because I'm not answering the door.

I just want to give up some days. Just say "you win, you can have it all". Take everything I have worked on and take credit for it. Take everything that I'm proud of and make it worthless. Take what I am so proud of and make it shameful. Just do it and get it over with.

That would be easier.

I just want to sleep for days and days and pretend I have no responsibilities; that I don't have a million and one things to worry about; that I don't have a pile of stress just waiting to crash down on me. Can't I check out? Please? Just give me a day.

I'm just so tired.

Never let Corbin be forgotten...thoughts

It's been so long since I've wrote anything on this page. But I feel like I can share here. Like it's safe.

What I fear the most is that Corbin will be forgotten. It's different when you have a living child; they are always around, doing things, passing milestones, making your life brighter.
But when your child is dead...it's totally different. You LIVE EACH DAY trying to share their story, spread their legacy, continue their life.

It's hard.

I love my son. Don't you ever question that. He has changed my life more then you could ever fathom. Corbin was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. He was the best in the sense that he opened my eyes to compassion, true love, patience, PATIENCE!!!, and the will to make a difference. He was the worst in the sense that I have never really felt pain until he left. I thought I did.
My boyfriend died in a motorcycle crash when I was eighteen. I've never written about this before. In the moment, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I remember laying in my bed just screaming in pain. My soul was broken. But I also remember the day I "got over it". I remember waking up and realizing that I wasn't thinking about Brandon. I wasn't thinking about the way he died and I moved on.

But losing a child.

Whew.

Losing a child is losing a piece of yourself. Losing a child has no comparison. Losing a child defines you. Whether you chose to let that definition be positive or negative is up to you, but it defines you and the entirety of your life.

Some people compare losing a child to losing a pet. I will not apologize for the fact that I will NEVER.

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

agree to that comparison. I lost my son, then a couple months later my dog died. My dog, my puppy, of TWELVE years. The puppy that was a surprise from my parents after begging for months, and months, and months, for a golden retriever. That day I finally got one. His eyes were droopy but he was mine. He was my Sandy. I loved that dog incredibly. I cried just thinking about the day he would die. After I got married, I took Sandy with me to my new home. I had to chain him up for a couple weeks so that he would know this is his new home and that he should stay close by, since a highway went in front of our house. He did great. He stayed close by, only crossing the street to forage through the neighbor's trash.
And they loved him.
They would set scraps out for him, knowing that he would visit sometime during the night and gobble those scraps up.
They asked about him, after he died. They asked "Where is Sandy? We left some deer scraps out for him but they haven't been eaten. Is he okay?"

I cried the day he died. I'm tearing up right now thinking about it.

Sandy was MY puppy. Even though he was twelve human years old, 36 dogs years old, he was always my puppy. He was gold, and soft, and the sweetest, most loving dog you have ever met.
But it was his time. He was getting old. His nose was grey and he started keeping to himself. I knew it was coming, but it still hurt when my father-in-law called to tell me that Sandy had died during the night, in his sleep.

BUT

losing Corbin was different. Losing Corbin was NOTHING like losing Sandy. Sandy was a pet, he was a part of my family but I knew he would die. I knew he wouldn't stick around forever.

I thought my son would stick around forever.

What more do I need to say? There is no greater loss in life then having to bury your child. Whether they were still in utero or 45 years old, there is NOTHING like losing a child and don't you DARE tell me otherwise.